greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Dec 28, 2015 5:27:22 GMT
Uh... Hello... I'm writing this fanfiction. It stars Burmecians and Cleyrans, mostly. So I thought I'd share it here. Even though this forum seems like it's just two dudes roleplaying. Anyway, Burmecians are love, Burmecians are life. If anyone's here, lemme know what you think. www.fanfiction.net/s/11693980/1/Final-Fantasy-IX-The-After-Birth
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Post by M&M&M on Dec 31, 2015 9:25:29 GMT
I say it's pretty adorable. Each of the characters are fleshed out and bursting with personality. Different perspectives, backstory and history, comedy, incoming drama, you put many-a thought into this, huh?
Tho I do not know if Garnet would be that eh, 'intimidating' ^^'
I do like how you captured Zidane's antics tho, very fitting.
I think you misspelled 'Aldebert' which should be 'Adelbert', unless it's a completely new character.
All in all, good read, would read the sequel with popcorn in hand.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Jan 1, 2016 0:48:15 GMT
Ah, dang it. I should have double-checked Steiner's first name. That also makes Adel's first name kinda weird. I had named her after the burly sorceress from ff8. Not a huge biggie. I'll edit the name at the end. And yeah, I tried to give Garnet a more commanding presence. She has been queen, as well as a wife and mother for quite some time at that point.
Thank you for the kind words. I hope to post chapter two soon. ^^
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Post by M&M&M on Jan 1, 2016 3:24:07 GMT
I'll be waiting with bated breath! =D
I'd say the name is fitting, much better than Steve, amirite?
Oh I'd say you got the commanding part down very well. You wouldn't know who she was if you knew her from only playing FF9, not a complaint mind you.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Jan 2, 2016 19:18:11 GMT
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Post by M&M&M on Jan 4, 2016 4:46:57 GMT
Believe it or not, I saw ya post that in the Freya thread first before I saw this update. You sneaky rascal Your lack of burmecians displeases me...*holds up a frog threateningly* Overall, a cute story. I of course assume this will create the bridge for what's to come, which I will wait for. You did good displaying the styles of youth and adventure in your characters, that's where you're best at. You don't rush, but instead flesh them out bit by bit. ^^
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Post by Robshi on Jan 21, 2016 23:51:33 GMT
I've finally managed to find time to read the opening chapter for this. It's certainly an interesting read, with a remarkable view of events after Final Fantasy 9. It's nice to see old characters mixing with new, and your take on them. Zidane's monkey antics are certainly spot on. Fratley makes for a funny dad too, although I figured he'd be as formal as Freya in some ways. The new characters are interesting too. Ashley doesn't seem prim and proper at all. It's odd how you describe her as that at one point, but everything in the chapter points in a different direction. It would make sense that she didn't want to act just like her parents and try to stand out for her own merits. Good stuff so far. There are a few typos in there though, you might want to give it another read through just to try and iron them out. Thankfully there aren't many, so it doesn't disrupt the story too much. I'll try to read chapter 2 soon, and I look forward to seeing this continue.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Jan 25, 2016 10:26:20 GMT
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Post by M&M&M on Jan 27, 2016 6:44:20 GMT
Up to chapter 3 and still no lewdness?! YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!!! Interesting premise those; Cleyran army. Bigger and better Cleyra? Were you planning to make it a superpower too? This should prove interesting. Also saw what you did there with the airship fuel and steel beams, you sneaky bastard
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Jan 27, 2016 16:47:34 GMT
@mmm *eats frog* Part 4 will go back to the past to play the shitty games that suck ass to John five years ago. But this time it will very prominently feature burmecians. But thanks, I try to flesh things out, give them at least a tiny bit of depth. As for lewdness, idk i want to keep it teen, swearing and violence, and implied mischief: all good. But this is a christian image board. Cleyra kind of already is, but that will be elaborated on soon. Robshi Thanks! ^^ I don't know if I portrayed that well enough. But fratley makes fun of her for only acting so formal around freya. She loves and respects her parents and wants them to be proud of her, so she sort of apes how freya acts in her presence, but not maliciously. Otherwise she's a lot more aloof. And yeah, Ive reread them and have found a bunch of typos that got past the spellcheck. especially towards the end of part 3. UwU I'll have to try and skim through them when i get a chance. Glad you both took an interest!
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Post by Robshi on Jan 30, 2016 0:05:59 GMT
I've read chapter 2 now, and for a while I was confused about Darron's gender. It seems you struggled to make your mind on it since he has a woman's midriff at the start of the chapter but then turns into a dude. Did Kuja's chest contain some weird magic after all? It's odd to see a Qu character without Quina's style of speaking and keeping their tongue in. I do wonder where it would fit... or how Quina even had a kid in the first place. I guess Qu's are a strange bunch. I do wonder how this fits in time wise to the last chapter. Is this a flashback chapter? It seems a bit odd we've jumped to this scene after the last chapter. I was expecting some explanations about Steiner and see what was happening in Cleyra. Also, something I forgot to mention from the first chapter, wouldn't a helicopter be a bit too advanced for Gaia in its time period? They've only just started using steam power, so I don't know how they'd keep a full blown helicopter going.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Jan 30, 2016 5:38:44 GMT
RobshiDarron's gender: That was intentional. John wakes up and sees a woman's figure, which he then punches in retaliation for hitting him in his sleep. But in reality, the "woman" is just John's friend and prince, who happened to inherit a lot of his father and uncle's looks. I'll give that a once-over to see if I think it needs rewording. (In my head, I imagine Darron to look a lot like Android 17) Quaid: Quaid grew up in Alexandria, so he adapted to speaking "normal" and the retractable tongue thing was just a personal preference on qu biology. I'd hate to have my tongue hurt during a fight. Also, just for the sake of my story, Qu's are sexual. Quina's a woman, Quaid is her son. He has a father. no s/he-nanigans. Chronology: This chapter takes place five years before chapter one. Ashley attends a ceremony to open the completed highways to the public. John and his friends have to help protect people who are planning the very construction of the highways. Chapter three resumes with Ashley. Four will be John in the past again, and so on until the thing mentioned at the end of chapter one happens. Think of it like Squall and Laguna. Helicopter/Cleyra's technological level: A lot more of Cleyra is seen in chapter three. That is all. :^) Edit: Also, now that I've thought about it. Final fantasy airships are just giant, unrealistic helicopters anyway. Which is why the non-cleyrans themselves just see it as an odd little airship.
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Post by Robshi on Feb 26, 2016 0:28:41 GMT
I finally got around to reading the third chapter. Like you guessed at the start, I did ignore the song link since listening to music would likely distract me from the story.
It's rather weird to imagine Cleyra as becoming a sudden technological leader of the world. Even with Terran technology it would be hard for anyone to make much sense out of it without centuries of knowledge and discovery. I certainly thought the video games were a little too advanced, especially as we've only just scratched the surface of virtual reality. Shouldn't that arcade be full of NES style games or things like Pong?
I also find it hard to picture Dagger as a drunkard, or hating Beatrix's guts for what happened with Cleyra. She didn't even hate her mother for any of that and I can't see her holding a grudge against her general for it. Garnet is a rather peaceful and understanding person by nature.
I still spotted the odd typo and a missing speech mark in the story. Proof reading your work is rather important.
Interesting stuff though. I am curious as to why Beatrix got murdered. I hope that gets explained in a later chapter.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Mar 25, 2016 15:32:52 GMT
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Post by M&M&M on Mar 27, 2016 8:49:15 GMT
Oh my god, this is the worst thing I have ever seen! Who the hell would make this kind of garbage!?
Okay, done with my review of Superman vs Batman, time to review this story!
So far so good. I'd fave it if I weren't so damn lazy on signing up (And fearing the spam). I am liking this new badass Garnet shtick going on, who doesn't have a thing for that!? How many chapters have you planned so far? Or are you writing as you go?
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Mar 29, 2016 5:58:40 GMT
Could be worse. Michael Bay could have made it. *shudders*
I haven't received any spam yet, but I can understand the apprehension. I've only gotten emails if someone reviews or follows my story. I don't have a set plot chapter by chapter. Just a vague series of events in my head that things are building to. But chapter five will be Ashley in Cleyra.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on May 18, 2016 6:52:43 GMT
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Post by M&M&M on May 19, 2016 9:45:20 GMT
You title made me want to vote for Bill Cipher as our new Overlord. One of the many things I like about your fan faction is the many easter eggs you like to hide in there (Freya and Fratley needs to stop watching a certain spongey show for example). =P
Honestly, I can't imagine Freya calling Fratley 'sweetie'. I think 'Love' would make a better fit. But to each it's own.
This chapter seemed much more exciting than the rest so far. Of course Garnet had to be such a wet blanket, hmph!
Quick question I always keep forgetting to ask; Why does Ashley have Fratley's moniker?
Enough crap from me, all in all, a good read once again. Good job!
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on May 20, 2016 19:22:48 GMT
A party that never stops with a host that never dies! Funny, while I did intentionally include a lot of references. Dojyaaaaaan! I wasn't really thinking of Mrs. Puff when I wrote the bit at the end.
I reread the chapter and didn't catch Freya saying "Sweetie" to anyone. Fratley called Ashley and I think Freya sweetie, though. Might have missed it.
This chapter finally starts setting up things to come. Elaborating a little bit on Cleyra, and showing what will happen next for Ashley. Although maybe I pushed Garnet's cranky nature a little to much in this one.
In my story, Iron Tail is Fratley's surname. So He's Fratley Iron Tail, his wife is Freya Iron Tail, and his daughter is Ashley Iron Tail. I don't think ff9 ever really elaborated on his name. But I didn't like Fratley as a last name. Although it's likely that Fratley is just his single name, and Iron tail is just a nickname.
Thanks! I'll get to work on chapter six soon. Gonna see Civil War today, and I hope xmen apocalypse is good.Those could help wash the poor taste of the snyder dc movies out.
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greysky
Trident
How do you do, fellow commoners?
Posts: 131
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Post by greysky on Mar 2, 2017 2:37:23 GMT
www.fanfiction.net/s/11693980/6/Final-Fantasy-IX-The-After-BirthJust gonna leave this here. Totally not ridiculously late or anything. This was kind of a hard one to write. Tons of dialogue, and still in that awkward beginning part. Sort of a pitfall of switching between two stories, I guess. It took me forever. Writing little bits here and there. But I had to post something her. Can't let some other lame ff9 sequel fanfiction steal my thunder! :^) Here's hoping I take less than ten months to put out the next one. TwT
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